This is my IB CAS blog detailing my adventure through the IB Program and my quest for self-knowledge. I thought I would use this page to say a little bit about myself.
Something that I think is pretty important about me, or about anyone, is where they come from! My parents are from South Africa, where they grew up, met, got married, and lived for 4 more years after my sister Roxanne was born. After that they moved to Germany, following my dad's job, which was where I was born. After living in Germany for 2 years, we moved here to the United States, and my brother was born almost immediately after we arrived.
Though that is the most concise and easiest way to explain my background, there are far deeper implications on the way I think about myself. Self image plays directly into self esteem, and who I am and who I want to be are really important things for me to and establish, especially during the tumultuous and critical period of growing up that I find myself in. These past two years in the IB program have exposed me to people from an array of different cultures, and helped me immensely in the process of growing into myself.
The beginning of freshman year during lunch is where it all started. Before freshman year, I had never really felt self-conscious about my background. Going to a charter school with kindergarten through eighth graders had left me sequestered from the very situation I now found myself in: being surrounded by new people, none of whom had any preconceived ideas about me or knew a thing about my family's background. I neither broadcasted my immigrant status, nor shied away from talking about it, and so during one conversation about the pronunciation of my name ("Fron-ces", not "Frahhn-ces") we got into a conversation about my where I was from. I was asked the usual questions, "Do you speak German?" "Do you have an accent?" I explained that I didn't speak German but did have somewhat of a diluted South African accent that I used when speaking to my family. It felt weird to use the accent at school, and I had developed an American one I used around peers at about 7 years old. This is kind of hard to explain; since I never actually lived in South Africa it seems odd that I would have any sort of accent having to do with the place. However, when you are young and learning to speak, you don't really spend much time listening to any people other than your family. My family spoke that way, and so that was how I learned how to speak until my linguistic horizons broadened enough and I was exposed to an American accent at places like Saftey Town and preschool. Of course when my classmates learned that I had an accent they begged me to demonstrate, and I, eager to make new friends, finally complied. I did feel kind of like a monkey that everyone was forcing to do tricks for entertainment, but also it felt nice that people were interested in me and wanted to be my friend.
It was one of my middle school friends that was already familiar with my background, perhaps jealous that I was stealing the attention of prospective new friends, who started spreading gossip about me around the school. "She isn't even South African. She's just lying to get attention!" "Her name really is 'Frahhn-ces,' not 'Fronces' like she's telling everybody." I was devastated! Did I have to start bringing my birth certificate to school to convince everyone that I wasn't lying? Why would I even make up that elaborate a lie about myself in the first place? For the first time in my life I felt like my background was something I needed to hide and be ashamed of.
On one hand, when my family would go back to visit relatives in South Africa every few summers, I recognized the fact that I was a foreigner. I was an American in South Africa. And though I had grown acclimatized to living in America, picked up the accent, and assimilated into the culture, I didn't feel like saying I was American 100% identified me. Being a mix of the two made me feel like a stranger to both, and the hurtful gossip really crippled my self confidence.
One afternoon I chanced across the article "What Are You?" by Anna Fitzpatrick. It was pivotal in the re-building of my self image, and it made me feel like I wasn't so alone in the problems with being a mix of two cultures. It put that feeling of being the monkey at the lunch table doing tricks with my accent into words:
At other times it [my identity] was treated like a novelty, a conversation starter at parties: “That’s so cool that you have something interesting in your history.”
Now, I no longer feel like I have to try so hard to maintain my South African habits in order to prove the legitimacy of my background to my peers, especially to ones who are jealous that other people perceive my identity as something I want to brag about- because I don't. I also no longer feel like I have to shun parts of myself in order to fit in. Talking to other first-generation Americans in the IB program, who have different US to birthplace culture-ratios, has also made me feel less alone in this problem. Interacting with these people has also taught me about how hard it can be to deal with having mixed races and non-english languages in your background. My good friend Samantha, the Guyanese-Indian-American, has three different cultures to deal with where I only have two!
The IB learner outcome that best fits with my identity struggle is:
- increased their awareness of their own strengths and areas for growth - They are able to see themselves as individuals with various skills and abilities, and understand that they can make choices about how to move forward.
Throughout my IB and high school journey, I have reached a new peace and acceptance of myself. I see myself as an individual with various abilities and skills, and I don't feel that only some of those are worth sharing, and that I must hide others. I have made the choice to seal myself off from hurtful gossip, or from people who want to tear down my confidence to make themselves feel better. I have made progress in the challenge to be myself in this world, and I am moving forward in life with a positive and enthusiastic outlook!
Now that you know a little bit about me, feel free to browse through my other pages which detail other parts of my IB journey :)
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